About Me

So, basically this blog was started by envy. Kulam Ikan Tetangga (the neighbor's fish pond) is a variation to the saying that goes "the neighbor's Grass is always greener". The Neighbor's Fish Pond will always have fatter and more fish (than your own fishpond). And so it is.

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Stay out of trouble, that's what my mother always say.

What if the trouble is family?

Ini bakalan jadi bahasan yang panjang banget. Mulai dari definisi awal keluarga, dan pembatasan masalah itu sendiri.

"Stay out of trouble!"

Terkadang nyokap atau entah siapa, melakukan hal-hal yang mungkin terasa menyebalkan, tapi itu karena mereka cemas. Mereka nggak pengin kita terlibat hal-hal yang asing buat mereka, yang mereka nggak tahu, yang kemungkinan mereka bisa menolong kita kecil.

Mungkin tanpa sadar mereka melakukan segala cara buat melindungi kita. Because the pain of loss is unbearable.

I understood this a very long time ago. I just still can't handle it.

"Stay out of trouble" and sometimes you just can't.

This had been a heavy season for everybody. It's been a heavy season for me.

Kapan hari ada yang bilang, "seberapa keras pun elu ketawa, gue bisa lihat kalo sebetulnya dalam hati elu nggak bisa ketawa." And I had to try hard to laugh at that comment. Maybe that's why I decided to take distance from him. He troubled me. He made me realize what I had tried so hard to ignore. About how unhappy I really am about myself.

People don't like me being sad. They think I'm such a pain in the ass being sad. They have no idea how hard it is for me to be happy. I need a little help to be happy, but it's too dragging them down. When it was actually easy. I just need sincerity. I need not to feel alone, I need friendship, sincerely. But they stayed away from me when I'm unhappy. So Ifigure, well, help yourself dear. Be happy so they will come and make you not lonely.

Posting kali ini melenceng kesana-kemari, tapi pikiran gue emang lagi kacau berat.

Tadi malem setelah gue denger kabar sepupu gue meninggal, gue ngerasa kesepian banget. It's always lonely when it comes to this... morbid reality of our fragile mortality. I feel so alone I don't know how to even begin describing it. I've always been quite religious so I started to whisper to God. Just for reassurance that I know I will not be alone.

I don't think I fear of dying. I just fear of being lonely. Of not being witnessed. Of not being remembered. In a way I always believe the existence of human being only extend to the memory they're preserved in. In this way, people like Pram or Romo Mangun will always live, because they're always be remembered. The same like Shakespeare is an immortal.

"Stay out of trouble!"

Someone I know seemed to think that I have no ability to understand the concept of loss, just because she had lost someone so precious and I hadn't. And accordingly, because of this non-loss in my life, therefore I was not mature enough. It's so silly. I can't believe I even bothered trying to decipher her attitudes. All the while I'm trying to stay out of trouble.

What if the trouble is family?

1 comment :

G4reeLa said...

Oh, Bert. I'm really sorry for your loss.