About Me

So, basically this blog was started by envy. Kulam Ikan Tetangga (the neighbor's fish pond) is a variation to the saying that goes "the neighbor's Grass is always greener". The Neighbor's Fish Pond will always have fatter and more fish (than your own fishpond). And so it is.

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Sakiiiit
saakiiitttt

nggak perduli lagiii
nggak pengen perduli lagiii

Mirna, kamu ini kenapa sih?

Gue nggak tau apakah karena hormon, apakah karena pada dasarnya gue udah gila beneran, selama dua minggu terakhir ini gue merasa sangat sedih.

I feel really stupid to even feel like that, or to even think about it.

Kayanya selama ini, setiap gue main ama temen, dan tampak seneng, ketawa-tawa, sebenernya gue nggak lagi ketawa, sebenernya gue ketawa biar orang lain nggak merasa pait. Biar terhindar dari kecanggungan dan rasa nggak enak. Hasilnya, begitu acara berakhir dan gue pulang dan sendirian, rasanya gue mau mati aja. Rasanya sepi dan sendiri sekali. Rasanya seperti nggak penting. Kadangkala di tengah keramaian, gue malah merasa super duper sendirian banget. Tambah kerasa.

I don't feel like I'm important.
I want to feel important. Not much, just enough.
'Coz I feel as if, my existence means nothing.
When I cease to exist, no one would notice.
Nobody cares.
They only care when I ask them too.
I can't ask them all the time.
It will make me feel like they have a life, and I don't.
But do I really have a life?
I mean... I won't miss it. I bet nobody will too.

Aduuh, kenapa sih kepala gue isinya iniii terus selama seminggu ini?
Gue nggak pengen mikir kaya gini.
Rasanya pedih, perih, pahit.
Masih banyak hal lain yang harus gue pikirin, yang harus gue kerjain.
What is wrong with me?

I don't want to feel like this.
I want to stop feeling like this.

Ok, track back! Gue udah ngapain?
1. I've tried to work it off. It didn't work. I can't even work. I can't concentrate.
2. I tried to laugh it off. Laugh I did, but when i stop laughing the thoughts haunt me. I can't laugh non-stop.
3. I tried to do things that would make me happy.
* Drink tea and or coffee. I can't even taste them.
* Eat my favorite food. Ditto.
* Have loads of chocolate. 250 gr or chocolate. All at once. The illusion of "happy" only lasted for one hour.
* Watched movies. EVerything suddenly sounded depressing and annoying.
* Listened to favorite music. I can't stop crying once I did.
* Cook. Kept me occupied for a very short term. Can't even enjoy eating it coz my tongue is dead.
* Cleaned my room. The renewal effect only lasted 12 hours.
* Went out with friends. Had "fun". But once I came home, I got sad again. Not working.
4. Write it down. What the hell do you think I'm doing right now????? Is it helping? Well, it is helping my tear glands to overproduce.
5. Unload it all to friends. I wish the process would only take five minutes and I'll be zapped clean. This method is prone to heart-breaking even more. I did it, but it didn't seem to work? Efek hanya kurang lebih 18 jam.
6. Have sex. Not working. Doesn't seem to solve anything. I just want more.
7. Took prescribed meds. I did, but I don't want to be hooked on it. I don't want to take it every single day.
8. Blame someone else. WHO????? WHO BUT ME???
9. Get high/drunk. How about "here's the gun, please shoot me in the head now"? Mostly would ended up with more problems, called hangover.
10. Procrastinating. No.
11. Sleep it off. Been doing it for a week. Not solving anything.
12. Get closer to GOD. One more step and I will do this literally.

Tapi gue nggak pengen dikasiani. Bukan itu masalahnya. Gue tau kok masalahnya ada di gue. Nggak usah dikasi tau juga gue udah tau lama.

Aduuh, tapi kenapa sih nggak bisa ilang dari kepala? Kenapa tetap sesak sesak sesak rasanya di dada?
Coba torso gue bisa dilepas, terus dicuci di bawah air mengalir ya... biar adem... sejuk... bersih...

Nggak mau tau deh.
Kalo tiba-tiba gue nangis, itu karena gue nggak bisa nyopot dan nyuci rongga dada dan kepala gue pake air keran yang mengalir. Bukan karena mau nyari perhatian orang lain. Cih GR amat sih! It's not about you, it's about me!

Bodo!!!!

Hmm... Kayanya metode ini bisa sukses deh. In the mean time, you can think all you want about me. You're not me anyway. And by any chance, I don't want to be you too.

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